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The Power of Affirmations in Eating Disorder Recovery
Kelly Coutee, LPC, LMFT,MA, RN
We have all heard about how the power of positive thinking, optimism, and a good attitude can affect the outcome of just about any project or situation. Sometimes, especially when we feel our absolute worst, it can seem impossible to conjure even the tiniest positive thought. On these days, we may feel too vulnerable to ask someone to tell us something positive about ourselves. Have you ever wondered if all that “positive self-talk” does any good?
The development of identity
The truth is that using affirmations is absolutely essential in the recovery from eating disorders. To get a clear understanding of this, let’s take a look at the development of identity in a normal human and how this can affect the development of disordered eating. Identity has to do with the relationship we have with ourselves. The desire to identify with others and to feel like we belong to something greater than ourselves is a normal human desire. It is natural to want to have meaning in our lives, to want to have a sense of belonging with others, and to feel valued. It is through identification with others that we learn to be a person, and this process starts in families.
One of the most important roles parents play in our lives is to be a positive (or affirming) “mirror” for us to view ourselves. Basically, this means that when a parent views us in a positive light, we look into the eyes of the parent and view ourselves as positive. However, since parents are human, and therefore, not perfect, sometimes situations can affect the way they view their children. Sometimes when life gets difficult, a parent may see the child constantly in a negative way. This can cause the child (whose natural instinct is to identify with the parent) to see himself in a very negative light (“negative mirroring”). It is important to note that consistency plays a significant role because all parents have bad days. When a parent gently expresses that “daddy’s irritability is not your fault,” or another caring adult intervenes, this negative mirror can be turned into a positive one.
Developing a shame-based identity
When a child looks into the “mirror” and sees that he’s bad on a consistent basis, he will likely feel shame. Shame happens when something causes us to feel self-conscious, and we begin to question our inadequacy or our very worth as a human being. An inner voice whispers, “I’m impossible to love. I can’t do anything right. I’m a failure at relationships. I’m worthless.” When we learn to doubt ourselves this way, we feel we are to blame for the situation: that it has something to do with our failure as a human being. Our identity goes from being strong and confident, to suddenly feelings an inner pain saying that we are simply not enough.
When the child looks into the constant negative “mirror” he may start to believe that he’s bad when he expresses needs and feelings. He may grow to “disown” his basic human needs to avoid feeling like he’s “bad” and having to experience shame. He may “disown” his feelings and needs so completely that over time, he no longer recognizes them. This continual disowning of feelings and needs over a long period of time happens through something called “internalization,” another important part of developing identity.
Break the cycle with affirmations
It is natural for us to “internalize” what our parents mirror back to us. If the internalized image of the parent is positive, we learn to self-affirm when we experience feelings or needs. When the internalized image of the parent is negative, we take over the role of the parent internally, and shame ourselves when we experience what we now consider to be unacceptable needs and feelings. So through the natural desire to identify with our parents, and through internalizing how they see us, we develop either a self-affirming identity or a shame-based identity.
One unhealthy behavior to comfort ourselves when we have feelings or needs that we have disowned is the development of eating disorders. The skills to affirm and nurture the self are essential to the healing process. One important tool is to read affirmations on a daily basis. An overall goal is to work through a belief of “not being good enough as a person,” and to emerge from an identity infused with shame, doubt, and fear. This helps break the cycle of internally shaming the self. Healing occurs as you change from a shame-based identity to a self-affirming identify.
Here are some of my favorite affirmations from The Eating Disorder Book of Hope and Healing. Try reading them daily as a guide to meditate, reflect, and journal. Let me know how it works. I’d love to hear from you.
- Food is not the problem and eating or not eating food will NEVER be the solution.
- I am a worthy person. I do not have to prove it to myself; I don’t have to prove it to others. I don’t have to be perfect to be loved.
- Food makes me anxious, but eating or not eating is not the solution. Identify the source of anxiety and ADDRESS.
- My needs make me scared. It’s okay to be scared, and it’s okay to have needs.
- There’s nothing wrong with my feelings. It’s the way I blame myself for feeling that triggers the shame.
- It’s a risk to ask for what I need, but I have a better chance of meeting my needs if I ask. (Rejection is uncomfortable, but it wont’ kill me.)
- How I handle my feelings: Identify, Affirm, Accept, Experience.
- Sometimes something I want from others is something I need to give to myself.
- When I feel I have no choice about doing too much, I have given my power away.
- Any day can be a challenge. I strengthen myself with the eternal wealth and joy of my spirit.
Copyright 2004, all rights reserved
Kelly Coutee, LPC, LMFT, MA, RN, is a psychotherapist specializing in treating trauma and addictions. She has a private practice in Dallas, TX, and works with groups, individuals, organizations, and speaking/workshops. Contact: kellycoutee@crtcounseling.net.
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